Manifesting Destiny
By Alex Patton
Chapter1:
Age 1:
I feel warm...where am I? What am I? Who am I? ...why do I feel warm? What is this fluid I feel? As the being sliced the fulid with his hand, he thought, Why isnt it cold where I dont occupy? What does it mean, this concept...to occupy?" As he continued to reach over, he wondered what it was he felt. As his fingers touch and begin to run over the spaced out ridges that pulsed with intensity, now he was more puzzled than before. He, more slowly, than before, felt upwards feeling a pulsing, living ridge every couple inches in the total dark, about an arm length all around. He pulled his arm back, gathered this new sensory information, and used what little capacity he had to act out a precious newfound gift, thinking.
"Rest and grow, my being, I want you to be perfect once you come out." A strange, yet soothing and flowing voice came from the outside, startling him speechlessly. A light scraping begun to virbrate against the organic barrier, startling him even more. Seconds later, the scraping ceased, allowing him to calm down. As time passed, he floated in his comfortably warm fluid when the heaviest of any weights hits him: a question. "What do I look like?"















Critiques
Make sure to compliment generic adjectives like "strange" with adjectives that have undisputable meaning, such as "soothing".
I cannot really write a critique on your syntax, because...I edited it!
As for concept, it brings anyone back to a first experience of a sort, such as the first day of school. However, this sheds a new light on world perception, as it exemplifies to the audience the first ANYTHING. The creature's thoughts can be seen in any person who has ever felt.
Congratulations. You have not only written the beginning of a story, but you have written the beginning to anyone. You have made the reader manifest in this story.
~rika
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